to my dear brother

August 13, 2007

dear eric,

i wanted to do as much as i could to remember you today; here's what i did. i wore your favourite UHS t-shirt. i wore the white columbia pants you used to own. i drove the lexus. i wore sandals. i wore the guess sunglasses you gave me. i listened to some ella fitzgerald and louie armstrong. i went to neptune's cove for lunch with ann. we made sure to eat a whole bunch of pickles for you. i wonder what your favourite meal was there? i don't remember what you ordered. the place is still run by the same owner. i went to our old house too. it's been a while since i've been there. ann and i sat outside and looked at the house and talked. it brought back some good memories, but also some hard ones too. the last vivid memory i have of you is what happened that night... i'll be going to king edward's arms with ann for dinner later. it's monday night, wing night. we used to go there to have cheap wings and chat a lot. i really enjoyed those times we shared. we had some great talks there. i'm also going to watch your old videos and look at some pictures of you; i wish i had more.

four years. sometimes it feels like i'm slowly losing the memories we shared together. i don't want that, but you seem so far away now. i want to keep our memories alive. i want to do more things that help me remember. i talked about you a lot with ann today. that made me happy. that made me remember. ann said i should write them down in a notebook so i don't forget. i want to do that.

it seems like it's been an eternity since i last saw you face to face. last night, i was thinking about the last time i saw you. you came to my room, plopped on my bed as you always did and started chatting with me. i was sitting on the computer working on something. you asked me how i knew God's will. i tried to explain it to you. after a while, you went back upstairs. that was our last conversation. that was the last time i saw you alive. i wish that day i had told you how much i loved you. i wish that day i had told you how much i looked up to you, how much i respected you, how much i thought of you. i thought so highly of you. i always wanted to know what you thought. you were the best brother i could ever have asked for and i have to say it's hard not having you around. i miss your smile, i miss your laugh, i miss your mannerisms, i miss your jokes, i miss your sarcasm, i miss your transparency, i miss your presence, i miss your company, i miss your opinions, i miss your encouargements, i miss your ideas, i miss our pooh-time, i miss playing tennis with you, i miss your advice, i miss your humour, i miss our together times, i miss everything about you.

on saturday, ann and i went to her friend's wedding. the groom's little brother stood up and delivered a speech. it made me think of you. it made me miss you. how i wish you could be there and deliver your speech when ann and i get married. i always thought you would be there by my side when i got married. you would have been so happy for me. your speech would have meant a lot to me. i wish i could've heard what you would have written.

i'm not sure what to feel today. i'm not sure. i feel sad. my heart feels downcast. i miss you. i wish you were here. i want to cry, but no tears come and i can't force it. do you know how much we all loved you? i don't think you did. you thought it would be easy for us to forget about you and move on with our lives. how could we? it's four years and it's still really hard. we think about you all the time. we miss you all the time.

i don't want to accept the reality that you're not here anymore. i don't. i know it in my head, but not in my heart. my heart doesn't want that reality. i want you to come back somehow. i want to see you again. i guess i won't have that until we are reunited in heaven. i hope i recognize you. i hope you recognize me. i know that i have to accept that you're not here anymore, but i'm still not ready. i don't know when i'll be.

eric, i love you. i always will. thank you for being the brother you were. thank you for everything. i can't wait to see you again.

love,

leo

ps. ann bought mom a lot of daisies in memory of you. your favourite flower! i took a picture of one for you.

apple picking

May 29, 2007

on sunday, i was at dominion doing my grocery shopping. i've been going there every sunday for the past eight months or so. every sunday, it's the same routine. i get out of my car, put in my headphones, turn on some worship music, grab a cart and go through my shopping list. i always get the same types of items.

when i was picking apples, it dawned on me that picking apples in and of itself was really quite a privilege. i had been purchasing apples for the past eight months and it never occurred to me how blessed i was to do that. it didn't occur to me that not everyone had a choice like i did.

picking apples is quite a process. you need to pick it up, examine it for bruises, cuts, discoloration, and firmness. it takes a bit of time if you're buying a bunch of apples. and the purpose of all? to avoid the bad apples. nobody wants to purchase a bad apple. nobody wants to sink their teeth into something rotten, something that's been infiltrated by worms, something that tastes bad... do they? would they?

God was showing me how fortunate i was to be able to make that choice. i could accept if i wanted one apple over another. i've put back dozens and dozens of apples because i didn't feel they were good enough to purchase. what luxury! not everyone is fortunate to have that choice. some people would take any apple they could get. there are people all over the world that die from starvation everyday. the numbers are staggering. if they saw an apple, they'd eat it. they wouldn't think twice if it was good enough to eat–i doubt the thought would even enter their mind.

as the Lord continued to speak to me, i felt very humbled and incredibly grateful. why was it that i had this luxury of choosing apples? i can't say i understand it because i don't. i don't understand why i over the next person have this privilege. all i know is that i'm grateful and i don't want to take this for granted. i feel that with this privilege comes great responsibility too though i don't know exactly what that responsibility is yet... maybe to speak up about it?

as Christians, we need to remember that the money we have is not for us; it's for God. He entrusted these resources to us–we are the stewards of it! let us make choices and decisions that reflect that calling. let's live a life that reflects that our lives are not about us, but about Him.

powerless

April 11, 2007

i went to quiznos for lunch this past sunday. i got my food and sat in front of the window overlooking the parking lot. i noticed there were a lot of seagulls flying around. i looked to the right and saw a canada goose attacking a seagull. it was violent. the goose was very aggressive. i watched as the goose bit the leg and body of the seagull. the seagull struggled against the goose, desperately trying to get away. but it couldn't. it's efforts weren't enough. at one point, the seagull tried to take flight, but it was injured. it couldn't get off the ground fast enough, so it slammed into a wall. the goose pinned it down and attacked. as i watched, i knew the seagull was in big trouble. i thought it was as sure as dead. then, from out of nowhere, a car pulled up on the scene. the driver got out of his car and rushed quickly towards the seagull to protect it. he made aggressive movements towards the goose and the goose quickly moved back. as he did this, the seagull was able to escape and fly to safety. the man returned back to his car and parked it.

i sat there stunned. i couldn't believe i witnessed that. as i reflected on what happened, a verse came to my mind, romans 5:6 [NIV], "you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." that was exactly what the seagull was, powerless. it was doomed for death. it had no way of escape. no matter what it did, it couldn't escape the cluches of the goose. the situation was completely hopeless. but just when i thought the seagull's life was up, the man appeared. he came at just the right time. by showing up on the scene, he saved the seagull's life. without him, the seagull would have perished.

it was such a beautiful picture of Christ's love for me. it really brought romans 5:6 to life. because of Christ, we were delivered from the dominion of darkness and brought into the kingdom of God (cf. col 1:13). He rescued us. He delivered us from death and destruction. without His help, we would have died (cf. rom 3:23). there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. no amount of good works, no amount of prayers, nothing would have saved us. there was nothing we could do to escape death. we were powerless. death was imminent. our situation hopeless and bleak. then, God, in His grace and mercy stepped on the scene, at just the right time and saved us. He rescued us and gave us life.

what an amazing God! how marvelous! how merciful! how loving! i don't ever want to lose sight of God's amazing love. everything i have and am is because of Christ. He is my hope. He is my deliverer. He is my rescuer. He is my life. He is life. He brought light into my darkness. He saved me. what a God!

"but because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved" - ephesians 2:4-5 [NIV]